Actual Play Report, Smegheads...

When I write up a play report, I sometimes feel as if I'm doing this:

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RED DWARF Series IV episode 6, "Meltdown"

1 Int. Sleeping Quarters.

CAT, LISTER and RIMMER are sitting round a table in the sleeping quarters.  CAT and LISTER are playing a card game and RIMMER is regaling them with tales of his youth. As the scene opens we see that CAT and LISTER seem to be in some kind of pain.

RIMMER: So there we were at 2:30 in the morning; I was beginning to wish I had never come to cadet training school. To the south lay water -- there was no way we could cross that. To the east and west two armies squeezed us in a pincer.  The only way was north; I had to go for it and pray the Gods were smiling on me. I picked up the dice and threw two sixes. Caldecott couldn't believe it.  My go again; another two sixes!

LISTER: Rimmer, what's wrong with you? Don't you realize that no one is even slightly interested in anything you're saying? You've got this major psychological defect which blinds you to the fact that you're boring people to death! How come you can't sense that?

RIMMER: Anyway I picked up the dice again... Unbelievable! Another two sixes!

LISTER: Rimmer!

RIMMER: What?

LISTER: No one wants to know some stupid story about how you beat your Cadet School Training Officer at Risk.

RIMMER: Then -- disaster!  I threw a two and a three; Caldecott picked up the dice and threw snake eyes -- I was still in it.

LISTER: Cat, can you talk to him?.

CAT is sitting with big pieces of cotton wool plugged in to his ears. As LISTER talks to him he takes one of the pieces.

CAT: What?

RIMMER: Anyway, to cut a long story short I threw a five and a four which beat his three and a two, another double six followed by a double four and a double five. After he'd thrown a three and a two I threw a six and a three.

CAT: Man, this guy could bore for his country!

LISTER: What I want to know, is how the smeg can you remember what dice you threw at a game you played when you were seventeen?

RIMMER: I jotted it down in my Risk campaign book.  I always used to do that so I could replay my moments of glory over a glass of brandy in the sleeping quarters. I ask you, what better way is there to spend a Saturday night?

CAT: Ya got me.

RIMMER: So a six and a three and he came back with a three and a two.

LISTER: Rimmer, can't you tell the story is not gripping me?  I'm in a state of non-grippedness, I am completely smegging ungripped. Shut the smeg up.

RIMMER: Don't you want to hear the Risk story?

LISTER: That's what I've been saying for the last fifteen minutes.

RIMMER: But I thought that was because I hadn't got to the really interesting bit...

LISTER: What really interesting bit?

RIMMER: Ah well, that was about two hours later, after he'd thrown a three and a two and I'd thrown a four and a one. I picked up the dice...

LISTER: Hang on Rimmer, hang on... the really interesting bit is exactly the same as the dull bit.

RIMMER: You don't know what I did with the dice though, do you? For all you know, I could have jammed them up his nostrils, head butted him on the nose and they could have blasted out of his ears. That would've been quite interesting.

LISTER: OK, Rimmer. What did you do with the dice?.

RIMMER: I threw a five and a two.

LISTER: And that's the really interesting bit?

RIMMER: Well it was interesting to me, it got me into Irkutsk.

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With thanks, of course, to Grant and Naylor (and Robin Halligan for typing into the interwebs - and 'Pattycakes' for hosting the scripts on her Red Dwarf fansite).